Activate Smiley Face :-)

/* Ok guys, I apologize for the following, but I was swept over by
 * these feelings of unrestrained silliness last night, and just had
 * get it out of my system. Warning, parody follows */

The lights dim, the curtains part, there is an anticipitory hush

sweeping over the audience.

[cue announcer, cue Dramatic John Williams Theme]

Announcer :

Ladeeeez, and Gentlemen, 200 million years ago, life as we know it crawled from the slime pits onto dry land. 2 million years ago, man as we know him (or her) evolved from the lowly ape (except for GEM programmers who evolved from some form of kiwi fruit).

And, it was only a mere 2 1/2 years ago that man (except for GEM programmers) finally became civilized with the introduction of (drum roll)>>>the AMIGA<<

[thunderous applause, wild cheering, hats thrown in the air]

The computer, so far ahead of it's time that calenders are still unable to catch up!

Yes we've witnessed the saga as this hearty band of amigazoids braved the murderous ridicule as they pawned off the "Joyboard" as a serious product, only to be quietly trying to change the future.

*** 

Husband :

Honey, I'm home (hangs up hat, puts down briefcase, doffs coat)

Wife :

(slim attractive blond, wearing pearls, carrying feather duster in one hand) Hi dear, dinner will be ready in 1/2 hour. Why don't you read the newspaper, and put on your slippers. Oh, by the way, how was work?

Husband :

Oh, you know, another Joyboard, another dollar.

Wife :

Dear, when are you going to make something of yourself, and get a Real Job?

Husband :

(can't say anything for fear of contract violations)

Wife :

No one will play with the kids at school, the dog sits around and pouts all day, the neighbors laugh as they go by, and the church sent back our offering from last week. Why didn't you take that vice-presidents job at that IBM place?

***

Announcer :

Yet through it all, somehow these brave warriors persevered, the True Believers fighting for Truth, Justice, and the Miner way!

And then, on that hot muggy day in New York, Andy Warhol grabbed a mouse, and said "neat", and the rest, as they say, is history.

Word streaked across the nation, faster than you can say : "BltMaskBitMapRastPort()"

Demonstrations of the unique capabilities of the Amiga are being presented here at Siggraph on the two screens before you.

On Thursday, July 25th, Amiga's senior technical personnel will be available in the booth to answer your questions regarding the Amiga-PC.

(actual Quote from the chintzy SIGGRAPH '85 handout)

Grown men wept for joy, children clutched their mothers legs. On distant shores, soldiers layed down their weapons, the Berlin Wall inexplicably crumbled, nuclear missles vanished from their silos, and the Giants won the World Series. A congressman refused a bribe, lions laid down with lambs, and all TV Game show hosts were rounded up and beaten senseless.

Nirvanna had arrived.

[deep forboding music]

But predictably, the forces of evil and bad advertising regrouped, and all was not well in Amigaland, and the news broke : "layoffs".

We can all remember where we were on "Black Wednesday". Schools and bars closed early, couples turned the lights low, clutching each other to comfort themselves. Suicide hot-lines ran with double shifts and the earth slowed down in it's orbit just a bit.

And people said "where the hell is 'Amiga-Live'?".

The Amigazond ranks dwindled ever so slowly, as one-by-one they had to get Real Jobs.

And finally, in March, 1987, Amiga Los Gatos, signed off of "The Net" for the last time. Evil had, as it seemed, triumphed.

Or had it.

[lighter upbeat somewhat stupid sounding music]

But then the terms "A500" and "A2000" circulated among the ranks and the sleeping giant gradually opened one eye. A new day was dawning.

Birds were singing, Commodore was making money, computers were delivered only 3 months late!

[pause for gasp]

Television ads were purchased, and the news broke! Los Gatos would reopen!

Thus we present -

                   
--------------------------------
                   
  AMIGA : The Next Generation   
                   
--------------------------------

Thrill to the intergalactic exploits of Captain Dale skillfully guiding the StarChip Enterboing(); thru countless earth saving adventures, making the world safe to meet girls.

***

Kodiak :

Sir, enemy TOSFighters at 3-o'clock!

Dale :

Damn that Darth Tramiel!

Ensign Jim :

I understand those uncivilized barbarians don't even have submenus.

Science officer Dave :

Warning, their blitters have been enabled. Funny, I don't seem to notice any difference.

Dale :

Me neither. Arm the underscore torpedos, fire one. . ., fire two. . . Their crashing sir, those cute little "bombs" are appearing everywhere

***

Announcer :

Your spine will tingle as the Enterboing soars into the unknown meeting mediocrity at every turn.

***

Jim :

Captain, up ahead, look at that giant IBM!

Dale :

(leaning forward thoughtfully) That's no IBM, that's a Mac II it just looks like an IBM ensign, don't they ever teach you guys anything in MouseFleet Academy?

Counselor :

Sir, I feel this, this great pain. . .

Dale :

Either your underwear is too tight again or the Mac is trying to mulit-task.

[beep, beep, beep, and beep]

Dave :

Sir! MultiFinder has just been activated. . .

Dale :

Standby! Well show them. . . AddTask()!!!

Dave :

Task added.

Dale :

Again! Bring up a clock, notepad, and, oh how I hate to do this, a spreadsheet.

Dave :

Done sir.

Dale :

Play a song! Print a letter! Show little sparkling thingies on the workbench screen!

Jim :

He's fleeing sir, Ha ha ha, what a coward. Nice monitor though.

***

Announcer :

Your ears will go numb when finally our heros encounter. . .

***

Dave :

There she is sir (in a hushed whisper)

Dale :

Feast your eyes on that guys as there's no greater hive of scum and villany in the known universe.

Jim :

Sir, I'm scared.

Dale :

I don't blame you, no one has successfully battled (ta dum) BIG BLUE. (emotion sensors automatically dim the bridge lights and illuminate the captains face with a dramatic lateral beam)

[a fuzzy picture appears on the screen. The captain of Big Blue stands in the center wearing a handsome 3 piece suit, his crew in the background in their freshly starched shirts, one of them straightens his tie, another blowdrys his hair]

Dave :

(Whispers) Fascinating, they look exactly alike. . .

BB Captain :

Enterboing, this is Commendante Watson, you have invaded the "Office Zone", this is certainly no place for a mere Game Machine. Go back to the "hacker zone" where you belong, Ha ha ha ha . . .

If not, we shall be forced to take action, Real Soon Now!

[picture fades]

Jim :

Ha! What can they do.

Dave :

Captian, they're firing TV ads at us, lots of them starring washed up comic actors.

Dale :

Playing rough are they? Eh? Take evasive acti. . .

[But before the Captain can finish an ad hits, the lights flicker and the movie camera tilts, everyone leans in their chairs. Sparklers behind the screens ignite and the Science officer jumps away from his post]

Jim :

Kodiak, he's injured help him!

Kodiak :

Dammit Jim, I'm a hacker not a. . .

[One by one Kickstart hands pop up on the monitors as systems begin to fail]

Kodiak :

Bummer, all the way back to Kickstart, and those are 500s!

Dale :

Activate, "The Shield"

Jim :

No! Not "The Shield"!

Dale :

Do as I say ensign. . .

[Thousands of old Amiga Testflight videos are hurled towards the oncoming rush of TV spots deflecting them left and right]

Kodiak :

It's working sir. . .

Dave :

BPTRs at 9 o'clock, 12 o'clock eastern time.

Dale :

Damn, they know our weakness. Activate the hacker gun, and we'll work around it.

Dave :

That does it sir, that quieted them. You're a genius. . .

Dale :

I know. Boarding party to the transporter room, we're going aboard and see what we're really up against.

[crew materialzes in an empty, dark space, breifcases lie scattered around as if the Big Blue crew made a hurried escape down the micro-channel]

Jim :

Captian, it's empty and dark, just like the announcer said.

Dale :

What do you expect for a computer without an operating system.

Jim :

Over there, in the shadows, look, that dwarf. . .

Dale :

. . .MS-DOS, leave him alone, he's harmless . . .

***

Announcer :

And so, recognizing the right of all operating systems to live and die on their own merits, the crew of StarChip Enterboing leaves the "Office Zone" to soar back to their own Universe were computers don't grovel on their masters's desks crunching boring spreadsheets, but instead may be found in artist studios designing stained-glass windows, or helping the handicapped communicate, making music, adding graphics to recently cancelled TV shows, and doing alot of other >>>Neat Stuff<<<.

[America the Beautiful fades in to the background]

Yes, this is a universe where computers can be computers, and programmers should be worshipped (and wear capes if they want to) and where the sun shines just a little brighter each day.

***

[parting shot of Enterboing disappearing among the stars. Camera pans slowly across the sky]

Dave :

Sir, up ahead, dangling pointers

Dale :

Oh oh, The Smithwick Affect, mount VD0:, load memwatch, and we should make it through

Dave :

You're genius sir

Dale :

I know. . .

***

*************************************************************************
                                                                         
              To the guys back at Amiga - Amaze us again!                
                                                                         
*************************************************************************

/*
 there, that feels much better, I promise that this won't ever
 happen again. Isn't that right captain?
 */